


it was a monster mash

by hellblazeit



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Humor, Halloween, Silly, caduceus is nb molly is nb but tends to go by he/him, they're all dorks sharing a giant apartment or something idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 20:28:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16415411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellblazeit/pseuds/hellblazeit
Summary: “Alright, alright, cool it. Look, I just — don’t know, Molly, it seems a little…”“Revolting?”“Knock it off, Beau. I'd say it’s more…uh…more like…”“Like he is wearing nothing but nipple pasties and a one-sided thong with a devil’s tail attached and is calling that a costume?” Caleb suggests, in the deadpan tone of a man internally staring into a camera waiting for the audience to pick up on how much of this shit he has to sit through on a daily basis.-The Mighty Nein get ready for a Halloween party.





	it was a monster mash

**Author's Note:**

> this was an unfiltered speed write-up at 2am with nothing in my stomach and "thriller" blasting on spotify, i have no excuses.

“ _Gods_ , okay, we get it! Ugh!”

“You’re only mad because you know you can’t be me.”

The gagging sound is nauseatingly realistic.

“Alright, alright, cool it. Look, I just — don’t know, Molly, it seems a little…”

“Revolting?”

"Aw, my feelings. They're damaged. I have an overwhelming urge to cry now."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you!"

“Knock it off, Beau. Molly. I’d say it’s more … uh … more like …”

“Like he is wearing nothing but nipple pasties and a one-sided thong with a devil’s tail attached and is calling that a costume?” Caleb suggests, in the deadpan tone of a man internally staring into a camera waiting for the audience to pick up on how much of this shit he has to sit through on a daily basis.

Mollymauk spins in a circle — for the _third time_ , since nobody but Jester has appreciated it to his standards the last two times — and switches his pose from leaning ‘sultrily’ against the wall to cocking a hip and sticking his tongue out teasingly, hands on his waist. “You forgot the gloves, the boots, the earrings, the eyeliner so sharp it could kill Beau if I cared enough to wink at her, and a _drop-dead sexy_ can-do attitude, dear, but that is the long and short of it. And I’m _absolutely_ wearing it to the party now, none of you can change my mind.”

Caleb’s face matches his voice, marred only by the shaky whiskers drawn in thick eyeliner on either side of his nose. “Wunderbar.”

Molly frowns, his real tail whipping figure eights in the air behind him as the aforementioned fake one bounces up and down with every movement. “Oh, come on, you lot, it’s _Halloween_! A time where every profession is up for grabs to be made into the most glorious it can possibly be, with no limits or judgments except by nosy old people and soccer moms who think it’s their business to give a shit! Professions _including_ devils!” He points at the sequined costume horns carefully arranged to fit around his real horns. “Where's your sense of adventure? Yasha’s a sexy angel and no one’s giving _her_ shit for it!”

Yasha looks decidedly lost, arms folded across her chest and heavily lined eyes shifting around the room for some sort of social cue. “I’m Joan Jett.”

Molly points at her for emphasis. “ _Sex icon!_ That bloody well counts!”

Beau throws up her hands, almost hurling one of her bright red boxing gloves in the process and lunging across the couch with uncanny agility to catch it before it can hit Nott. “But she’s _wearing pants!_ ”

“ _I_ think it’s _perfect_ , Molly!” Jester chimes in, beaming as she cuddles her stuffed dog to her chest and taps her red heels against the floor excitedly. “And Momma doesn’t caaare about _pants_ , _Beau_ , she wants everyone to be themselves and have fun! And Molly is going to have a _lot_ of fun because you can see the _whole_ shape of his _dick_ — ”

“Alright, alright, we get the picture,” Fjord intervenes quickly, not fast enough to prevent Nott’s horrified shriek or to spare Caleb the pain of sharp goblin nails in his face as she claps her hands over his ears but fast enough to cut Beau off as she opens her mouth to comment. It also doesn’t go unnoticed the way that Caleb’s face goes red, or the way Molly grins delightedly in that direction, but Fjord keeps doggedly on track. “My one concern here, Mols, is that we’re gonna be walking through some neighborhoods t'get to Marion's place, and there's always cops around on Halloween itchin' to arrest someone who catches their eye, and it would really bite t’get arrested for ... for public nudity, or some such, which’ll put an end to our night real quick and probably cost me more bail money than I got. _And_ ,” he hurries on, a warning note in his voice as Molly, Caleb, Yasha, and Beau all open their mouths to protest the significance of public nudity, “my other concern is that there’ll be _kids_ everywhere, who have eyes and don’t need t’see the er, whole package on a night when they just wanna have fun and get candy.”

“ _Or_ goblin girls who don’t want to see it when they can pretend to be little halfling girls and get candy too,” Nott pipes up, her human-hand-mimicking gloves not hiding the sharp curve of her claws where they still rest on Caleb’s cheeks, despite his valiant attempts to free himself and to fix the cat ear headband she’s knocked askew. It’s muffled a little behind her mask, which has carefully drawn-on vampire fangs now in light of the holiday, but there’s no hiding the accusing glare of her big yellow eyes.

Molly’s tail droops, shoulders slumping in defeat. “Oh, shite. Forgot we were walking there.”

“You know, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, really,” Caduceus comments, patiently grinding their way through a bowl of peppermints with a pestle and mindless of the way their witch’s hat has over the course of the evening slowly slid its way over to the left side of their head. “You’re wearing an awful lot of green, with the underwear thing and the eye makeup, I could ask a couple of vines to just ... hang out for the night, and you’d just look like one big plant. No one would look much at anything else, then.”

“Like Poison Ivy,” Beau mutters. Then she groans, dropping her head onto the back of the couch with a thunk. “Aw, _shit_ , she’s hot though, he’s gonna ruin her forever. _Fuuuuck._ “

The momentary despair has evaporated like smoke, Molly’s tail beginning to flick back and forth in growing excitement as he fixes Beau with a smug grin. “Oh darling, I would _love_ to ruin her for you. Hmm … sexy _and_ powerful. Clay, you’re a brilliant, beautiful gentlethem and I owe you every sunflower seed I pick out of my hipster salads ever again!” He tugs the devil horns from his hair and tosses them aside, flinging his arms wide. “Give me your best grass!” There's a pause. "Not the first time I've said that."

Beau groans again as green begins to sprout from the paper tags still attached to the thong, craning her head back at what has to be a horrifically painful angle to shoot a helpless look towards Yasha. “Save me.”

Yasha gives her a small smile, one that still manages to look soft despite the intensity of her eye makeup and the all-black semi-biker gear beneath. “Let him have fun. You know he loves it.”

Beau huffs unhappily, thought the attempt is ruined by the frankly moony eyes she’s giving the aasimar. “ _Fine_ , but he’s buying all the drinks.”

“Good!” Nott pipes up, scrambling down from her perch atop her human’s shoulders and making a beeline for the kitchen and her flask. “I need to top up!”

With his goblin scarf gone, Caleb scoots a little closer on the couch, giving Beau a curious look. “You know that everyone in this room knows that you do not really care that much, ja?” He leaning swiftly backwards to avoid the half-hearted swing she throws towards his shoulder; it only grazes him, but still somehow manages to leave the ends of his fingers tingling. “I am just telling the truth, you are giving him shit for fun because it is your brand and all of us know it, you do not have to pretend.”

“Shut up,” Beau scoffs, jamming her gloved fists together. “Like they know that _you_ were looking straight at Molly’s dick since he walked out here —“

“It is very visible and very well-defined as Jester said and that is none of your business,” Caleb cuts her off quickly, face inscrutable but the flush flooding his ears as sure a giveaway as his haste to keep her from ending the sentence.

Beau’s grin, shit-eating in nature, is a physical presence scorching the side of his face. “Uh huh. Sure. Just ‘cause you’re ace doesn’t mean you can’t admire the merchandise, we get it. Guess Fjord was right about the action, then? ”

Caleb stands up quickly from the couch. “And we are done with this conversation, Nott I am coming with you!” He’s gone before Beau can crack another joke, a blur of tiger onesie rounding the corner and then vanishing.

Jester takes his place and expands it, flopping dramatically down across Beau’s lap to access Fjord, chin propped up on the arm of the couch. “Fjooooord, you are my plus one for the party, riiiight? I mean there are a lot of us, _technically_ , but you are the first one, riiiight?”

Fjord glances up from his phone, yellow eyes surprisingly at home in his fur-plastered face and wariness immediately apparent in the hesitance of his answer. “Yeees…? Yeah, that’s what we agreed upon, Jes, why?”

“Weeell,” the word is accompanied by a pout, “if we are going _togeeeether_ , we should have _matching outfits!_ Liiike I am Dorothy, and you could be, could be, could be _the scarecrow_ or something like that, not a dumb _werewolf!_ There are no werewolves in the _Wizard of Oz_ , Fjord!”

“Now hang on, just think of it this way, Jester,” Fjord wheedles, to all the world but Jester a man on his last legs in the middle of an old argument. “I can be, uh — your dog, right? Toto? But it's like — I'm Toto if things went _real wrong_ in that tornado. I'm scary Toto! You don’t even hafta bring that dog you got there, you can just pretend I’m him, an’ I’ll even … bark, or howl, or somethin'. Sound fair?”

Jester doesn’t look taken by the idea, but another one seems to slowly dawn on her as Fjord talks, and the second his sales pitch ends she’s clapping excitedly, wriggling on the couch to muttered “ow”s from Beau. “ _Orrrrrrr_ i can be _Little Red Riding Hood_ , and you have _eaten_ my red hood, so now i am just _aah, a little girl in the woods with red shoes with a wolf after me, help meeee!_ “ Her voice springs up a pitch, jazz hands of fear waving on either side of her head and a panicked look on her face that quickly transitions to a big, delighted grin and a wink. “ _Preeeetty good_ , right?”

Fjord is staring at her in bemusement, fondness and exasperation struggling in his face before fondness wins and he grins back with a rare show of his teeth. “Perfect. You nailed it, Jes, that’s just what we’ll be. I’m glad we’ve made this decision, an’ i will be _honored_ to accompany you to yer mother’s party tonight. As a big bad wolf.”

Jester’s grin grows impossibly wider and she sticks out her pinky finger, which Fjord links with his own and shakes solemnly. “And I will be _honored_ to invite _yooou_ as my guest to my house where you can meet my mom again and _not_ pass out from drinking this time.”

Beau snorts, squeezing out from beneath Jester and somersaulting over the arm of the couch to land behind Fjord on his battered beanbag, nearly launching him to the floor. “Yeah, sure. and we’ll _totally_ win the hour of honor this year and everything.”

As Fjord elbows her in the side, Caleb and Nott reemerge from the kitchen in the midst of a heated debate, Caleb with a meticulously carved pumpkin under one arm and a child’s trick-or-treat bucket in his other hand, and Nott in the act of screwing her flask closed. It's then that Molly takes his moment to clap loudly in the way that only trained professionals and annoying people at movie theaters know, nearly startling them both back into the kitchen. Once he’s sure he has his audience, he flings his arms wide and does one more spin to show off.

Much differently from before, a lacy network of vines has grown to enmesh his entire torso, trailing all the way down to the tops of his boots like a much more winding form of fishnet and leaving only his tattooed arm bare, all topped off with big fake sunflowers successfully clipped into place over his nipples and, most importantly, a rose artfully grown to cover his junk. It’s a good look, Beau has to begrudgingly admit, and she stares meaningfully at the side of Caleb’s head as he stares meaningfully elsewhere.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and goodthems!” Mollymauk pronounces in his showman’s voice that booms like a bullhorn, teeth flashing white and devilish and eyes gleaming with a delight that promises a hazy night and an agonizing morning to come. “Tonight, we party!"

With that, he saunters towards the door with a beckoning flourish, for all the world a thespian in his element, and makes it all the way to the couch before promptly tripping on the step between the carpet and the foyer and crashing to the floor.

Fjord sighs, the sound lost amidst Jester’s cackles and Beau’s hooting as Yasha gives Molly a hand back to his feet and Caleb drifts closer with a look of barely bitten down amusement softened with just enough concern to not look totally callous. “Alright, you dumb fucks, let’s saddle up them dogies and get the hell outta here. Come on. Nose goes on vomit clean-up when we get back to the house!"

Every hand flies up.

"Boxing gloves don't count as a proper nose touch!"

“ _Fuck!_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> molly is hot and his fashion sense is valid but he has a charisma of eleven and beau is there, so his dreams of sexy halloween remain unfulfilled.
> 
> COSTUMES  
> molly - sexy devil, poison ivy. why a devil? irony.  
> caleb - cat. jester produced the tiger onesie. he secretly loves it.  
> yasha - joan jett.  
> beau - little mac. this is her third year wearing this costume. the shorts are freeing.  
> jester - dorothy from the wizard of oz.  
> fjord - werewolf.  
> nott - vampire. the plan is to disguise herself as a halfling girl and the mask is her fangs. not pictured: she has a great cape.  
> caduceus - witch. they just like the hat, they didn't listen to jester's synopsis of hocus pocus. they'll learn soon enough.
> 
> comments and kudos are welcome and appreciated!  
> 


End file.
